Valentine’s day has been and gone and whether you agree with choosing one day to celebrate love or not; Valentine’s Day left me with this one unanswered question:

Would I date myself?(If I wasn’t me, I mean.)

Would I date myself, knowing everything I know about myself? I’m still musing on the answer to this question a whole week later. February 14th has long been and gone, it’s Feb 22nd today.

I then thought about you too, I thought to myself, I wonder if my readers would date themselves? I mean, if they weren’t already in a situation-ship, would they actually date themselves?  I resolved to ask you, to ask yourself, that question?

Would I date myself?

And under what circumstances would I let myself f into my life and my families?

If I wasn’t drinking?

If I was narcotic free?

I wondered if you would have any stipulations about honesty. I think I would only date myself if I was honest.

I wouldn’t date myself if I didn’t like seafood and cooking seafood and everything to do with seafood.

Would you date yourself:

If you wanted children?

If you didn’t want children?

What about if you didn’t brush your teeth?

I wouldn’t date myself if I didn’t sail, because my lifelong dream is to circumnavigate the globe one delivery at a time with my boo,  there’s no way I want to circumnavigate the globe alone, so he’d have to be a good sailor, it get’s pretty hairy down there at the bottom of Cape Horn.

Then, I started thinking what other blokes I wouldn’t date and why.

I decided that I definitely wouldn’t date someone if they were still caught up in some co-dependent situationship from the past that they hadn’t dealt with. I would find it difficult to respect someone who thought that they were managing their ex but being manipulated themselves in the process.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not judging precisely because I know just how hard it is to find the resolve to step away from any of the unhealthy co-dependent situation-ships in my life that are holding me back, too.

Indeed, I have had my fair share of rinse and repeat manipulation cycles attached to money, sex, alcohol and security.

I’ll let you in on something: I’m 4 years sober and I’ve only just gotten free of a relationship that co-depended all over me and preferred to keep the status quo co-dependable and who I co-depended on too.

After a particularly harrowing week a month ago I said: enough.

I literally sat bolt upright in bed and said: no more.

If you don’t want to evolve that’s on you, if I want to continue to grow from strength to strength that’s on me.

So, I began to take deliberate steps, and instead of thinking I wouldn’t have adequate income to get a home to rent on my own I decided that if I thought I could or thought I couldn’t, I was right.  

I would find somewhere else to live if I really wanted too, if I remained flexible and pragmatic.  I hit my social and asked does anyone have anything going accomodation wise that I could write my next book from; the only stipulation is peace and relative quiet.

I was offered a place to hang my hat and was permitted to have a flatmate to assist with the rent. My landlord incorporated all utilities, so I had a fixed fee to work with.

I asked my boss if she had two or more additional fixed days of work and when she didn’t, together we worked out a plan. We decided to ‘share’ me between Sharon and her friend Stacey at another company. From there, I knew my outgoings could be met and I made the break.

I realised in my quest to date myself, ultimately, it’s not just being a drug and alcohol-free vessel that I would want in a person. I would want them to be out of anything that smacked of co-dependence emotionally and financially too. I think addiction can take many forms, including addiction to people.

What’s more? Sometimes the juice IS worth the squeeze to shut down old emotional cycles keeping you stuck as well, it might require a bit of hustling for a week to get yourself sorted but the path will unfold as you walk it.

If this is really resonating: ask yourself: why am I really stuck here with this person?

Is it fear, is it convenience or is it for the money or am I just repeating an old cycle because I’m just too familiar with it and changing things up would mean I would have to be really honest with myself.

Stop making excuses, make the decision you are going to go and take the necessary steps to action that into reality.  

Beware the comfortable; it can turn quickly to complacency which leads to straight to co-dependency and the worst of them all: stagnation.

And don’t forget the opportunity cost: you might miss your dream girl because you are too lazy to end something that’s not right. Imagine this; the girl that is really for you could be among your mates or acquaintances but not coming forward because you are esconsced in something way past it’s expiry date.

Choose growth. Always. Even if the short-term pain is necessary for long term gain.

You don’t know what you could be missing out on; she can’t come forward if you are still stuck and eventually she will move on and the worst thing? You’ll never know but on your death bed in your eighties lamenting that you never met your true love, you actually did it to yourself by being co-depedent.

What a disaster.

Good luck! And I salute you for finding your balls at last.

Only you get to decide the relationships you want to be in and if you need help to get out of co-dependency, then reach out. I’ve got your back, here.